I am a believer who struggles with lying, cussing, smoking, stealing, fighting, drug addiction to many drugs, low faith, worshipping of idols, lust of the eyes, lust of the flesh, and many other sins. Before I found recovery I believed in doing drugs, partying, stealing, and anything else that was completely insane, that I thought made me look cool in front of my so-called friends. I would smoke pot every day after school, and most of the time I wouldn't even go home. I chose to live my life this way all through my school years. From fourth grade all the way until I dropped out in the tenth grade I was using drugs, going to rehab, spending time in juvenile hall, and went to many stress units for anger, fighting, and drug addiction. I always hung out with older crowds that indulged in drugs and parties. I looked up to an uncle of mine who smoked pot, partied, and always lived with my Mammaw. I looked up to him because he would let me hang out with him and ever since I was fourteen he would party with me and let me do all the things he was doing. This made me feel accepted and it also gave me a big head because I thought I was cool because I could hang out with the big dogs.
When I was fourteen I started using meth, cocaine, crack, pills, and ecstasy. This is also when I started shooting up drugs. This time in my life is when I started stealing a lot. I stole my brother and sister's game console and DVD players and would sell them for drugs and I would also steal my mom's rings, pills, and money; all so I could obtain drugs. I was also breaking into one of my friend's houses so I could steal his dad's pot, and was taking my grandmothers Xanax and pain pills to school and selling them. I would steal alcohol from Wal-Mart and liquor stores. There are other self incriminating incidents that I won't speak about during this horrible time of my life.
Soon before I turned fifteen I learned how to manufacture methamphetamine and was using needles very often. My dad first realized I was using needles when I was fourteen. He came to pick me up from my Mammaw’s house so we could go play golf, something we both enjoy. I was in the middle of a backswing and my dad noticed my track marks. We talked about my using for a while and then he went home and told my mom about it. She was very upset and angry and sent me to rehab for the second time in a fifty five day inpatient program. The first time they sent me to rehab was for failing a drug test for a physical so I could play basketball when I was thirteen. They sent me to the same program as the second just two hundred miles away in a town called West Plains, Missouri. Through all of this I was in and out of school but I still managed to make good grades.
I had my first child when I was sixteen. My wife who at the time was just my girlfriend was twenty three, and our relationship was based on sex and drugs. We were only together for two weeks, long enough to conceive our son. She already had a four year old who I consider to be my child. I was still in school in the tenth grade when she got pregnant and I dropped out. After our two weeks of partying and staying together, I moved back in with my best friend, his mom, and my uncle, the one I mentioned earlier. All we did was party. About a week after that I got into a fight and broke my leg and tore every muscle in my knee. The very next week was my sister's graduation so I showed up high and in a leg brace. She was upset and disappointed with me. I was supposed to have surgery on my knee, the doctor said I needed a total knee reconstruction, but instead I moved to California with a cousin of mine who came down to visit. This point in my life I was depressed and stressed out about my child on the way and all the fighting and drama me and my cousins had going on with other peers, so I decided to run to California.
My dad was the only person I told I was going besides my kid's mom. He asked me why, and I told him so I could cook dope and live life. He said I was no son of his. This tore into my heart for many years and caused me more shame and grief. In California all we did was party, I was so strung out on meth I didn't even know what I was doing. l thought this to be the time of my life but in reality I was just trying to run from my responsibilities, my fears, from myself, and most of all, I was trying to run from God. Living out in California with a child on the way back in Missouri kept me stressed out the whole time, and brought on feelings of shame, regret, fear, depression, and I continued to use drugs to run from these feelings, and run from reality. For about the first six months I was gone I would call my mom and lie to her about where I was because I thought she would call the cops on me and tell them where I was. She thought I was in Arkansas. When she found out the truth it brought a lot of pain to her heart. Once again in my life I had caused myself and my family a whole lot of pain, guilt, shame, and anger.
I was so far gone I just knew I was going to end up dead because of the lifestyle I chose to live. My drug use also increased my anger and I started to become violent with everyone. Before I moved out west I beat up my little brother and my older sister and I would fight my mom and my Mammaw. After I came back from California I ended up putting my hands on everyone in my family. I regret all the times I did this but the one I regret the most is the last time I put my hands on my wife. We got back together when I came home from out west. Right after she had our son, I was on crack cocaine real bad one night and the next morning when my wife (at the time we weren't married) got up, we started arguing about my drug problem. One thing led to another and I started to beat her. At the time she was pregnant again with our daughter and kept asking me to please stop before I hurt our baby, my response was your face isn't pregnant. I went to jail and we split up while I was in county.
After I got out I never went to try and see my kids because of the shame and guilt I felt. However in county I got saved and I prayed if it be God’s will He would bring me and my wife back together. For two years the words I spoke to my wife haunted me and I tried to commit suicide many times by overdosing on pills or meth. During these two years I was in and out of jail, rehab, and prison. From June until October of ’06, I bounced from house to house, partying all the time. In October of ‘06 I went back to jail for 2nd degree assault on my little brother, I stayed in jail for two months. I saw my kids for the first time since me and their mother split up in June, on December 27, 2006, the day I got out of jail. My daughter was born that same year on New Year’s Eve. I was actually there to see the nurse bring her into the nursery and soon left to go celebrate with my wife's cousin, partying and using cocaine. I didn't see my kids again for six months.
On January 4th of ’07, my 18th birthday, four days after my daughter was born, a deputy sheriff brought me a summons to go to court that same day because my daughter was born with marijuana, meth, and benzodipines in her system. The state took custody but allowed my mother in law to be the overseer. They made my wife go to drug court and gave me one hour supervised visits once a week. My first visit I got pulled over in my mother in law’s driveway for swerving and the cops found a tiny joint roach and gave me a misdemeanor possession charge. I was also pilled out really bad. My mother in law made me leave and that ruined my visits. I violated my probation for the misdemeanor charge and went to a thirty day rehab. This brought even more depression because I messed up my visits to see my kids.
I got out of rehab in March of ‘07. I got a job at Domino’s Pizza, delivering pizza. I was staying out at my mom's and went right back to partying. I tried to kill myself twice by overdosing on xanax and hydrocodine. If it wasn't for my mom being there both times I probably would have succeeded. I never told my mom I tried on purpose; I just told her I accidentally took too many. I can remember seeing the pain and fear in her face. I went right back to rehab shortly after in May of ‘07 because I dropped dirty for my P.O. While I was in rehab a good friend of mine died because of pills. When I got out I went back to work for Domino’s. But it didn't last long.
By this time my wife could have the kids stay with her on weekends and she would sometimes let me come and get them even though I wasn't supposed to. She was good about this and if it wasn't for her, I never would have tried to see my kids. I went to prison four months after I got out of rehab, in October of ‘07 for breaking into my best friend’s house and stealing her and my brothers TV's. I did a hundred and twenty day treatment. I got out of prison in March of ‘08. Two days later I was drinking and smoking pot again. In May of ‘08 I went back to rehab for another dirty V.A. I was only out for two months. I got out at the end of May and went back to my mom’s. This time I was seeing my kids on a regular basis because my wife would bring them to see me. She completed drug court and got full custody back.
My wife and I started talking again in July of ‘08. She was living with her girlfriend that she had been with for eight years and her girlfriend had to go to prison to do a hundred and twenty days, so we got back together at the end of July. This was the first time in my life I ever recognized God answering my prayer because of the prayer I prayed back in county jail in ‘06 and I prayed that same prayer the whole time me and my wife was split up which was for two years. I knew then it was God’s will for us to be together and we were married on September 6, 2008.
I actually started to do better in my life for the first time. I cut way back on drugs and started working again for Branum’s Disposal, a trash company I once worked for. In August of ‘08 D.F.S got called on my wife and we both cleaned up. I was clean the whole month of August. The longest I had ever been clean on the streets since I started using. We moved in with my mother in law who I thought would never let me step foot in her house again and everything went well. For the first time in my life I was happy. The week after I was married, my wife told me she was going to go get back on her nerve pills. I told her it wouldn't be a good idea because she was addicted to pills and it would cause us to start fighting and arguing. I have never liked my wife on pills because I know how easy it is to die on them and because of the way they made her act. Well that Wednesday she went and got back on her pills. We argued for the next three days. That following Friday we both went to go hang out with our own friends. We both ended up coming home with tattoos.
I was upset at her and we didn't talk to each other until noon the next day when we both got up to take our kids to the fair. At the fair I got a migraine and my wife offered me a couple of her pills. At first I said no but then my Mammaw showed up and took the kids with her. Then I told my wife to give me her pills and I took a whole hand full of them. I told her we were going to party like we used to and after that we were going to be done with all drugs, alcohol, and pills. She agreed, but of course we were already messed up and so we started eating more pills. I ended up going and picking up my wife's cousin the same one I use to hang with and celebrated the birth of my daughter with. We used to be best friends but had some problems with each other and we were going to try and squash it and be friends again. Well, I ended up just calling him out and we got into a fight. The very next thing I was running around looking for some crack and ended up getting pulled over for D.W.I and they found one of several many pills that I had on me. They charged me with possession of a controlled substance and D.W.I. and I was on my way back to prison all in one night. All it took for me was that one night after not using for thirty days and I was back in jail headed back to prison. Yet again in my messed up life, God saw fit to give me another chance. This was the old David.
Sitting in county jail this last time waiting to come back to prison, I made my head and mind up to get my life together so I could help raise my children and hopefully teach them not to make my mistakes. Like I said earlier, I had just gotten married to the mother of my children who I love with all my heart and the one thing that stayed on my heart and mind was the prayer God answered. Thinking about this answered prayer of having my family back, I wanted to do anything and everything I could so I wouldn't lose them again and it opened my eyes and heart. I prayed to God that first night back in county jail re-devoting my life to Him! I prayed for the opportunity to go to yet another treatment but I wanted a long term treatment so I could actually take the time and use it to better myself and change my ways. I took an open plea and asked the judge if I could have long term treatment. I wanted to grow stronger in my spiritual walk with the Lord and open up to Him so I could live His will for my life, and leave treatment a re-devoted Christian so I could teach my children to live for God so they won’t have to experience prison twice before they turn twenty like their father did.
Once again, like always, God answered my prayers. The prosecutor did not want to let me have treatment and was offering me two seven-year sentences ran consecutively meaning I would have fourteen years to do and would end up doing ten years before I would be able to parole out and would drop my new charge of possession. God touched the judge's heart to go against the prosecutor and grant me my long term treatment. While I sat at Bonne Terre Diagnostics Center waiting to go to OCC, I started to read my Bible again. In the sixty seven days I was there all I did was read and study my word. I read starting at Genesis and made it all the way to Hebrews. This was when I found my favorite book of the Bible which is Ephesians, because of the whole armor of God, Ephesians 6:11-17, and because Ephesians talk about placing our faith in the only solid foundation for healthy living, God. I can also relate to Paul who wrote Ephesians while he was in prison, just like I am now with my testimony. My favorite verse from Ephesians is 6:10 "Be strong with the Lord’s mighty power", which also goes with my other favorite scripture which is one I live by every day, Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".
My Lord and Savior is why I want to stay sober because I know if I live for Him and follow His will for my life, He will bless me with my righteous desires and He will give me the wisdom, strength, courage, and love I need to raise my children and be a good husband to my wife. He will give me all that I ask for, and He will never leave me, nor forsake me, because He loves me.
Celebrate Recovery has been my sanctuary. Through the program, with the help of Jesus Christ, God has taken away my anger, my shame, my guilt, my depression, and most of all, has saved my soul and filled my heart full of joy, happiness, peace, serenity, love, and strength to stand up for what's right. Celebrate Recovery has given me courage to face the devil and defeat him with love and scripture and has cleared my mind to be able to prepare myself for when I leave. I have established a good support group, a home church, and a loving family that I can't wait to get home to. The one step that helps me the most from the 12 steps is step 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps, we tried to carry this message to the ones who still suffer and to practice these principles in all our affairs. I enjoy fulfilling this step, and being a devotional leader for CRI helps with this step.
I enjoy sharing my experience, strength, and hopes with others. This is how God is helping me with my recovery. He helped me to be honest with myself and dig real deep to get all the hurts and hang-ups out of my life which step 4 helps with. He has helped me to forgive myself and others for all the pain I have caused and that others have caused me. I know I can forgive anyone. My wife was raped since I've been back in prison and even though I'm angry about it, I was able to forgive myself for being in prison and I prayed and forgave the man who done it and asked God to have mercy on his soul and bring Him to justice but most of all I prayed for him to find salvation. God has taught me that vengeance is His and he will handle it. These are the mighty works my Lord and Savior shows through me. All praise and glory to God!
Today I can say that I am more the man God made me to be! My relationships have grown stronger and are based on honesty and trust. My dad has been a big inspiration to me and has never given up on me. He trusts me once again and is more than willing to help me, because he can see how willing I am to do whatever it takes to help myself become the man God wants me to be. My relationship with my wife has been a huge test of faith and forgiveness, but has remained filled with love. She inspires me to do what's right, because she is just like me and needs to see that change can be accomplished. My marriage is also why I've learned to be so forgiving because the love God has put in my heart for my wife. It has been what has helped me to forgive her for the hurt and pain I have felt from her while I've been incarcerated. No matter what, God gave me a second chance and everyone else deserves one as well.
It's up to you if you accept your chance to change towards God, but it's the best chance you can take in life. It touches my heart to know God is merciful, graceful, and forgiving, and will give anyone the chance He has given me. This is why my marriage and all other relationships are stronger, because God will work in all our lives. We just have to let Him and sometimes He will use us to show others the way towards Him. I can't wait to get home and show all the many blessings God has bestowed upon me and my family. And the cool thing about that is being able to witness and do God’s work in my life, because some of the blessings God has given my family they don't see yet, and with God’s will working in my life I will be able to spread the light that my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ has spread on me.
God has blessed my heart with love, joy, happiness, and peace, and I want to share this with everyone. He has filled the void that has been in my heart for many years. I no longer have hatred in my heart toward fellow Christians or non believers, and I have sympathy for other’s problems and I feel for others when I see their sorrow. However I do have hatred towards drugs and the evil in this world which only fuels my fire to fight the good fight and spread the Gospel. God has also lifted my depression and filled me full of peace. The Holy Spirit will work wonders when you just accept Jesus as Lord and Savior. God works in wondrous ways because He has convicted my heart and gave me all these many blessings while I was in prison. All I had to do was turn my life over to Him.
There is no greater feeling than Gods love and mercy. God has blessed me with a loving and caring family and has convinced me to move to Arkansas around my aunt and uncle who are very devoted Christians and who are going to help me get set up with a home church and also help me get involved in ministering work with a juvenile detention center. I will be going to Celebrate Recovery because I want to surround myself with Christians to worship and fellowship with and my family down in Arkansas is a good place to start. This will be my support group and will encourage me to continue my walk with the Lord. God gives me something to do every day, because everyday someone will need prayer. I'm glad to be able to openly pray for others and help give them good advice to look up at the Lord for help.
I enjoy being a devotional leader for CRI and doing God’s will by spreading the Gospel and worshipping and fellowshipping with other Christians. It is a true blessing to witness Christians re-devoting their lives to our Lord and Savior or accepting Jesus as their Lord and Savior for the first time. It is a great honor and blessing to reach out to other Christians and fellowship and sing praises of glory to our Lord Jesus Christ. I have also found the wisdom needed to raise my children to live their lives for our Heavenly Father. To show them how to put God first in their lives in everything they do, and I can show by example how to change their lives to live for God and not make my or their mother’s mistakes in their lives. I have given my life back to God and doing so He has prepared me for my future. I am no longer alone in this life because I now know Jesus is always with me.
One of the most inspiring things I have ever witnessed in life is the changes God has made in others around me. I’ve seen God touch the hearts of so many, but one in particular I will never forget. A man I met in prison that had tattoos all over his body from his face to his arms. He found God while we were in treatment together and seeing him rejoice in the name of Jesus will touch the hearts of all who get to meet this inspirational man. It is the greatest joy to see others rejoice in Jesus' name. Every time their faces light up with glory inspires me and makes me smile every day.
For new Christians throughout the entire world and the ones who embrace recovery, the best encouragement and advice I can give is to pray and grow stronger in your relationship with God. The power of prayer is stronger than anything else known to man, and if you keep your heart open, you will see God answer all your prayers, Have patience because He will answer, but not always when we want Him to and they may not be the answer we were looking for. However, it is the best answer for our lives and our salvation. Remember to keep an open mind and be willing to do whatever God puts on your heart to do. Don't be afraid when God starts to convict your heart. The only way I can explain this feeling is whenever you hear the Gospel and your palms start to sweat and your forehead feels like its on fire, and you want to get up and leave, fight all urges and just bow your head and pray. Whatever is being said that makes you feel this way is something you need to hear. For myself every time this happens I bow my head and pray and when I'm done praying tears of joy and happiness fill my eyes and I know God has made a change in my heart and I can trust in His knowledge and wisdom.
Find a good church where you feel comfortable to fellowship, praise, and worship our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Fellowship is important because it gives us strength, love, comfort, and support with fellow Christians and helps us to encourage one another to continue to live Gods will for our lives and to fight away temptation. Don't give up on yourselves because God never has, nor will He ever. God gave us the power of free choice, and if you want to do what's right but have trouble doing it, devote your whole life to Christ because He will carry you when you cannot walk, and He will not put anything on your shoulders you can't carry. This is a promise from God Himself!
One thing for sure God has given us many promises and He will fulfill them all. We just have to do our part which is believe in Jesus Christ, that He died on the cross for our sins and confess with our mouths that He is our Lord and Savior and ask His forgiveness, and that He was raised from the dead to sit on the right hand of God and He will save our souls and bless us with all His promises. Just believe with all our hearts. We have all believed in less at one point or another in our lives, so believe in God. This is the only way we will ever be truly saved, and the only way we will ever find true joy, happiness, peace, love, kindness, and hope that we all desire. Plus the true joy and happiness we have waiting for us in Heaven. To live for all eternity rejoicing and singing praises to our Heavenly Father. It is better to wash the feet of our brothers, than to enjoy the self gratification that sin brings.
I give my heart to each of you and I thank God for all His many blessings, for my salvation, for my family, and for my fellow Christians. That we may all come together to do God’s will and help bring as many as we can to repentance and salvation to continue to fight the good fight and do all that God puts on our hearts to do. I love each and every one of you and may God bless you in all that you do. Thank you Jesus for this day and your many blessings. Thank you for saving a wretch like me!