I'm a believer who's in recovery that struggles with anger, meth, and I.V. using. I'm 30 years old now. When I look back at my life, I see the insanity was out of control, growing up with two brothers, Chris, who was the oldest, and Kevin, who was the youngest.

Our life was good for the most part. I lived with my mother, Lori Hernandez, and step-father, James Larrison. My family was poor growing up. We lived with only hand-me-downs. We had to be happy with what we had. My relationship with my mom and dad was really hard growing up. I started acting up at an early age. I can remember I was 7 years old when I had my first run-in with the law. I found it fun to steal mail out of mailboxes. I was put on two weeks house arrest for this. Shortly after this, I went to live with my grandparents who were old and could not care for themselves. Living with them, I found I had a lot of things to take care of everyday. I ended up growing very close to them. They gave me the love I was lacking at home. When they ended up passing away, I took it really hard. Still to this day if you ask me, I feel I could have done more. I still hurt over their death.

As I started to get older, my anger started to run on its own. I think I was 13 or 14 when I really started to act out; trashing things at home, calling my mom names and stealing from her. I was out of control. I started using alcohol when I was 14, drinking with friends. I ended up getting busted drunk at a football game at school. I was kicked out and banned from all school activities for life. I did not care. That was one reason for me to run the streets. School was never my thing. I never fit in much. I was the bully and found myself in a lot of fights. They ended up bringing Division of Youth Services in and I was in more trouble. I started running the streets with older kids that were smoking pot. I then began smoking it. I liked how it made me feel. It started out fun, then, before I knew it, it became a part of my life. Hiding it all from my family went on for a few years. I was still acting out with anger getting into bigger drugs. I then found meth. This drug has taken my life from me.

At 16 I found my wife, Tiffany. We have three wonderful kids together. Our life was good at first. I was young and still in the process of growing up. Drugs were a part of our lives. We were drinking, smoking pot, and then meth came along. My wife and I both started using it. Before we knew it, this drug had both of us. I was then in and out of trouble; jail, prison, etc. I found myself staying away from home and spending all of my money on drugs. We lost everything we had...our home, our cars, our family, and even respect for each other. I became so addicted that I had to use in order to get my day started off and running. Being high on drugs and drinking really hard day after day, the power I felt it gave me. Wow, I thought I had it all going the way life should have been.

Violence was a part of my life. It made me feel good to hit people with bats or hammers. I thrived on seeing people hurt. My relationship with others was not like most people in the world. I would never let people get close to me. I was worried about them ratting me out. I became very good at pushing people away. I would let nothing get in my way. In 2006, I had taken part in the death of my best friend. He was shot in the head over some car rims. This was the lowest point in my life. After seeing my friend, Josh, take his last breath in my arms, it really messed me up. I went on the ugliest dope binge a person could go on. I was looking for payback. It was my way of trying to hide and deal with the pain I was feeling inside. I was running from the cops, kicking doors in, and just not caring about anything in my way. I knew I was at the end. I felt it and I had shots sent my way. I gave up. I called my father and he came and met me with my kids. I told them all goodbye for the last time. I walked away with no tears, only the thought of paying them back for killing my friend. I wanted to hurt everybody and everything I knew. I was cold, as if I had ice running through my blood.

Then it happened that I got into a high-speed chase with the Joplin Police. I was driving down a one-way street the wrong way. I ended up hitting a fire hydrant at 70 mph, injuring the girl that was with me. I then pushed her out of the car and made her run. They ended up finding us along with dope and a .35 mm handgun that was in the car. I was sent to prison. It was just as crazy in there as it had been so many of the years before. It was like home for me. I was getting high, fighting, selling drugs, and robbing people. I was doing what I was best at. I ended up getting out in 2008 and it only took 64 days before I got into a fight and hurt 4 people with bats and crowbars. That was when I came to OCC.

I did not like it at first. I wanted to sign out. My days were really hard. I was still empty inside. I had a few people tell me to check out this program called Celebrate Recovery that is here, at OCC. I was not sure about it. I was thinking how could this help me with my problems? But I went anyhow with my friend, Jose, and my brother, Justin. Once they got me to go, I saw that a person I HATED was the program leader. If you are wondering who this is, his name is Joe. Seeing him up there leading this and being so happy and full of life influenced me to try it. I thought, if it can work for him, why couldn’t it work for me?

My friends stopped going, but I stuck around and gave it a chance. Joe also continued. I started out with 4 other men in my step study group. In the end it was two, David and I. I have a lot of respect for David that I gained while working with him. I found someone that I could call a real friend and was able to open up to him. I can trust him. We have a lot in common and have progressed through this program with open hearts. Working on the Celebrate Recovery workbook has also opened up a lot of areas in my life that have been shut away for so long. The truth and talking about all of the matters has put a light in my eyes that has never been there before. I am able to see what the real problem is and I have all of the caring people in CR to talk to for support. It gives us hope to talk to someone that will not put you down.

Today, I have found Jesus Christ. I knew there was a God, but I never knew Him or put my trust in Him. CR has given me a whole new outlook and a real understanding of His power and love. Having a true relationship with my higher power has changed me in so many good ways! Reading and understanding His word and humbly putting the work in that he has laid out for me has given me a new life. Today, I believe in Him! He has given me a gift to change and to love myself.

The step that really hit me was step 5 (we admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs). I put a lot of work and thought into this step. I asked God to give me the freedom of coming clean; to take all of the past and forgive me. To give me the power to understand that it is good to forgive myself. To make amends to all whom I have hurt. To admit all of my hang-ups and wrongs so that I may begin to heal. We are only as sick as our secrets. I know there are other people who hurt just like me.

Today I have a better idea of how to live life. It's not about parties and the ways of the street. It's about being happy with who I really am and living for myself, not others. I have a new way of thinking now. I have God in my life. I talk to Him about my problems and all kinds of other things. I pray for others and their hang-ups. I pray for the people that don't know Him. I pray that they will one day find and understand Him. I was not able to do those things on my own. He has changed me and the way that I think of others. I used to be very hateful of others. I now enjoy having people around me. I care about what happens to them and how they feel, and I owe it to God! He has taken away all of that hate.

I have worked very hard on the anger that I once had and of the thoughts of using drugs. I know that he has taken those desires away and given me a new way to live my life. All of the emptiness that I once held in my heart, all of the pain and tears I used to show is gone. This has been possible by my works and love for God. All of that pain is now light. It is not dark and lonely anymore. You see, I could go on and on, but to put it out there, none of this would have ever happened if I hadn't changed my walk with God. Believing in my heart and soul that He is real began a new way of life for me and he can do the same for you.

Anyone who would like to start a Celebrate Recovery program, I would encourage you to do so. This program has so much to offer. It is a 12-step recovery program. Come find the peace you have been looking for. The best experience of your life is waiting for you! I was once lost and full of hate. This is now gone and I owe it all to God and CR. I am a Friday night leader of Celebrate Recovery. Being able to be there, to be a part of this and share my blessings and love brings joy to my heart. You can be happy too. No more running! My name is Nathan Hernandez, and I love myself today. Come and be a part of our program. Hear how it changed many more and me. I pray for you, that God may bless all who read this.