Hello, Celebrate Recovery. My name is Richard. I am a believer who believes Jesus Christ is my personal Savior. I struggle with profanity, lust, and addictions to meth, alcohol, and pot. I am 45 years old. I accepted Jesus into my life a year and a half ago.

The insanity started in my life at a young age. My home life was not very good at all. My mom and dad fought all of the time. My dad was a hard worker, but he drank a lot and liked to chase other women. I remember hearing them fight a lot. Finally, they divorced. My two brothers and I stayed with my mother. She was very abusive to me. She used to smack me around a lot and say mean things to me like she could not stand to have me around. As a kid, there were times I was not allowed to go to school because of some of the beatings I took.

Finally, I ended up in a foster home. That was my first experience with going to church, and it was not a good one. I went to a church summer camp and was sexually abused by the youth pastor. At the time all of this was happening to me, I remember thinking there must be something wrong with me. My mom could not stand me because she said having me around brought back too many painful memories for her. And then, with what had happened with the youth pastor, I felt hurt and lost.

My dad found out what was going on and fought to get custody of me. He got me out of foster care and my two brothers and I went to live with him and my step-mom. At that time, I was around 9 years old and that was the first time I ever got high. My neighbors were bikers and I began hanging out with the older kids from over there. That is the first time I put a needle in my arm. It was meth. I fell in love with it.

I remember thinking back...what did I do that was so wrong that my mom hated me? It was not until later in life that I found out. In 1963 my mother had been raped and got pregnant. I was the child she had.

After my dad got me back from the state, I was not a good son. I got further into my addiction, running with the wrong people, and hurting people. At the age of 16, I had killed my best friend in a car wreck. I got into a lot of trouble over that. My girlfriend also got pregnant with my first daughter when I was 16. Also at that time, Paula and I got married and had our second daughter. So here I am, 17 and strung out on meth, trying to raise two kids. I made some really poor choices and got into more trouble with the law. At the age of 18, I was sent to prison for 15 years. While in prison, I got even more into drugs and was stabbed 4 times and left for dead...but I made it. I did 7 1/2 years of the 15.

At this time in my life, I had no relationship with God and if someone tried to talk to me about Him, I would say hateful things to them. While I was in prison, Paula and I got a divorce. When I got out of prison, I married a stripper. That did not last long at all. I started cooking meth and moving all over the country, state to state. In 1989, I went to California and ran into my ex-wife, Paula. We had an affair and she got pregnant with my third daughter. We moved here, to Missouri, and stayed together just long enough for me to move her and the kid here. Things did not work out for us. She was married to someone else at the time. She had just used me to move her and the kid back to Missouri. So, I moved to Springfield.

Now, even more into my addiction, cooking meth, not caring about anyone but myself, I got hooked up with this one lady at a bar one night. While I was asleep, she stabbed me in the chest and then shot me with my own gun. I died. The paramedics brought me back. That was in 1990. I then got into even more trouble with the law and did 3 years in prison. I got out and was out only 28 days and got busted for drugs again. I did 5 more years and came here, to OCC, in 1995. I got out in 1997 and did good for two years. I ended up back with Paula and my kids. I stayed clean for those two years and then Paula and I had a son, Rick, in 1999. He lived for 6 months. One morning, I got up to go to work and found him dead. I went crazy and blamed myself. It had been my night to get up and check on him and I didn't. Well, I could not take any more pain or loss in my life. So I went out and got as high as I could. I tried to take my life. I ended up shooting myself in the head, but I had failed once again. I could not even get that right. I stayed really heavy into my addiction and shut my family out of my life. In 1999, one of my daughters gave us our first grandson. I would not have much to do with him. I was afraid if I got close to him, something would happen to him.

In 2003, I got into more trouble with the law for meth, again. I got out after a year here, at OCC. I was high again 10 minutes after I left. I was right back to cooking meth. I lost my family again. I was on the run and I met Dawn. I fell in love with her. She was so kind and good to me...but I was on the run. Anyways, I got caught, went to do my time and got out 8/23/2007. I left meth alone while in prison. I had just made up my mind that I was done getting high, but kept drinking. One night, things got out of hand, and I tried to kill a man. He had put his hands on my girlfriend, Dawn. I tried to fight him. He broke my leg and my arm and was beating Dawn up, so I tried to run him over with my car. He ended up throwing Dawn in front of the car and I ran her over. I completely lost it. I went crazy and ended up in jail facing 10 to life, but I did not care about what was about to happen to me. I cried out to God, and said things I should never have said, but I prayed for Dawn. I did not know how bad she was hurt, but I said, "God, if there even is a God, you never done anything for me, but allowed me to be hurt." He'd taken my son from me, and at this point in my life, I really felt like I hated God. I said to him, "Dawn does not deserve to die. If you are really a God or if you are there, do something for her. Don't let her die." I could not find out anything about her condition, but I did not give up praying for her.

Two weeks later, when I went to court, she walked into the courtroom. I just about fell over with relief! That is when God started working in my life. I went back to my cell and got down on my knees to ask Jesus Christ into my life. I was sent here, to OCC, but while I was at Fulton, God had put Bradley in my cell. I was reading my bible and praying, but would not go to church. Bradley would always ask me to go to church with him, but I would not go. In fact, I got mad at him and told him not to be so pushy with it and to back off. Well, I got here, to OCC, on May 27th, 2008. On that Friday, I was at orientation when this little skinny guy came down to talk to us and while he was talking, he had this glow about him. He told us about CR, so I came and God really touched my life. I wanted what that little skinny guy had. Then I met Dewey and he had that same glow about him. So I made a commitment to God, to myself, and to CR and went to work with my small group. It was a really good group of 4 guys. God began to work in my life. I let my guard down and let God work in my life.

Today, God has put my kids back into my life and has allowed me to love life. Today, I care about others and want to tell others what God has done for me and how my life has changed. My daily walk with the Lord grows more every day. I like what I see in the mirror when I look into it. I can't wait to see my kids and grandkids. I was once too blind to see what God has given me. He has replaced my son with 5 beautiful grandkids and I was too shut to even see. But today, I'm clean and sober and have a new life with Jesus Christ with the help of Celebrate Recovery Inside. I want to give all of my praise to God for his mercy and love. My favorite scripture is: Romans 5:1-11